All mine

This is my place to be honest, to be the real me, to have anonymity. A place to drink too much coffee or wine depending on the time of day. This is my outlet. It is mine and unlike everything else in my life, it doesn't have to be perfect, but it's mine.
laughingatmynightmare:

I have some FREE copies of the audiobook version of my book to give away! All you have to do is reblog this and I will pick three random winners! If you win I’ll send you a code to claim your free audiobook of Laughing at My Nightmare from Audible! Contest ends on Friday 10/24.

This guy is completely amazing! Check out his new book!

laughingatmynightmare:

I have some FREE copies of the audiobook version of my book to give away! All you have to do is reblog this and I will pick three random winners! If you win I’ll send you a code to claim your free audiobook of Laughing at My Nightmare from Audible! Contest ends on Friday 10/24.

This guy is completely amazing! Check out his new book!

Counseling sucks

Tonight the man and I went to counseling for a few different reasons. I want us to be able to communicate. He wants the house. That’s is not really what was said but may as well have been.
It was excruciating but it needs to happen. He has no clue why we are where we are. The things he made clear were that he has a temper, he can’t remember shit, and he wants to stay in the house and for us all to stay together. The house came before the family?
I was surprised when the counselor figured out that it was 5 years ago when things started going downhill, not 3 as I had first said.
There are two choices. We either go to counseling and try to reconcile or continue with the separation and head toward divorce.
We both have independent sessions next week. I know where I stand right now and it is not where he wants me to be.

Forgetting

Four weeks ago, we were leaned up against a wall and he asked, What do I have to do to make you love me? In my head I wanted to yell, I already do, but the words can’t make it to my tongue and my fingers lock up. 
I think about him in everything. I look for him all the time. Even when I know he won’t be there.

Today I am trying hard to forget.
I want to forget how you would look into my eyes and whisper “you’re so beautiful” as you would push my hair back before kissing me.
I want to forget the face you would make when I touched you somewhere new.
I want to forget the way you would look at me when you would sit across from me on the wall.
I want to forget you rolling your window down on the highway and screaming “I love you” at me.
I want to forget all the messages of “good morning beautiful”and the random “I miss you” or little kiss icons.
I want to forget how we would go to walk away and you would grab my hand and pull me back to you.

There are 100 other things that make me wild about you. There is something you said yesterday that I have been thinking about. You surely have a way with words. This time it was not a loving endearment, it was a truly thought provoking statement. You looked at me and said “You can’t really be happy with someone, if you are not really happy with yourself.” I was not sure how to take that. I didn’t know if you were talking about me or you or both of us. It just keeps replaying in my head.

Am I happy with myself? Are there things that I would want to change? I did lose myself for a while. I am slowly finding myself again. What would make me really happy with ME?

I shouldn’t need someone to say good morning, beautiful. I should be able to say it to myself. Though, one day it would be nice to have someone who reminds me every now and then that they think I am beautiful as well. Someone who is happy with who they are, and we can be happy together.

Broken

I have been broken before but not like this. Broken and spread across the state. Too many pieces to pick up. There is no special glue but time. Time and perseverance.
I knew the crumbling would come. I could feel it like an earthquake with a slower build up. Then all the sudden it was there,  shaking me uncontrollably.
I am holding on and not trying to fall into the crevice but parts of me wishes my fingers would slip. Everything would be over in a moment.
But there is no earthquake. There is no crevice. I miss the calm before the storm. I yearn to get back to that magical place.
I have learned that there truly is magic. If you don’t experience the earthquake you would never know how amazing magic can be.

Help!

I don’t know what to do. I am on a sinking ship and I need to get off. I can’t see land anywhere and the only life preserver has a big hole in it. That is my life.
Tonight I was informed that he wants the house and kids. He wants the life he thought he had. Everything he worked for is worth nothing. He was oblivious to all the problems and still is. We can’t have a conversation without arguing. We have nothing in common besides the kids.
The thing that scared me the most was when he said he wants to get a gun and show up at work because work was the cause of all the problems. He won’t do that because he won’t get to see the kids again. That’s the only reason?
I will be making some calls tomorrow morning to try to get him seen ASAP.

Trouble

Today I kissed the wolf. Though he is more like a bear. He is tall. Taller than anyone I have ever kissed before.
I finally got to touch his hair. I finally got to kiss his neck. I got to wrap my arms around him and rub his leg. I got to grab the butt I watch walk by every day and try to stand behind when we wait in line.
I felt high for hours. I want to feel high again.
I wanted to do so much more but it wasn’t the right time. I am glad he made the first move, even though I had lured him there. Now it is game on!

The night that didn’t happen

But it did. I met two work friends for happy hour. One brought her husband, which set me as a pair with the other guy. The couple left and we had one more drink.
We started to leave and talked in the parking lot for a while. Mainly about other work people. All of a sudden he says he wants to say something and I know exactly what it is. I told my friend a couple hours earlier that this was going to happen. I told him I enjoyed his company but just wanted to be friends.
We got into our cars and he motions for me to roll down my window. We had a quick conversation and he says to follow him. We end up in a parking lot behind some weird old houses that I had passed many times from the road on the other side. Three months ago I would never have guessed I would be catching a buzz in some guy’s car. It was surreal.

Just fine

I knew it. I knew that you would be gone before I even had you. I miss our talks. I miss our walks. I come outside and your car is already gone. You no longer sit on the wall and wait for me.
I knew that it wouldn’t last. I was hopeful but I knew it wasn’t right. It might be right later on but not right now.
It was fun and I learned a lot about myself. I know that I can do this. I am worth something and people truly like me. I will be just fine.

Attention to detail

I think about you. All. The. Time. I sit at my house wondering what you are doing at yours. I think about the things I want to say to you. I think about how I sat too close to you. How I pretended to accidentally bump your arm. How I am pretty sure you knew it was intentional because everything stopped. It felt like a movie. There was no sound. No one was moving. Just you and I sitting on the bench staring into each other’s eyes. Then just like that the second was gone and we both pretended that it didn’t happen. But it did and it makes me happy. You make me happy.
Every time I see you I tell myself to stay calm. Then my brain starts running a million miles an hour and tells me to smile like a goon, so I do.
I love your hair. I love your eyes. I love your full lips and the little crease on your chin. I love your billion tattoos. I love the way you look at me. I love your eagerness to talk to me. I know that post was for everyone to see but that you put it there for me to read.
I count the hours until I will see you again. I know you do the same because you told me yesterday in a round about way.
I need to muster up some self control. This cannot be healthy.