All mine

This is my place to be honest, to be the real me, to have anonymity. A place to drink too much coffee or wine depending on the time of day. This is my outlet. It is mine and unlike everything else in my life, it doesn't have to be perfect, but it's mine.

Broken

I have been broken before but not like this. Broken and spread across the state. Too many pieces to pick up. There is no special glue but time. Time and perseverance.
I knew the crumbling would come. I could feel it like an earthquake with a slower build up. Then all the sudden it was there,  shaking me uncontrollably.
I am holding on and not trying to fall into the crevice but parts of me wishes my fingers would slip. Everything would be over in a moment.
But there is no earthquake. There is no crevice. I miss the calm before the storm. I yearn to get back to that magical place.
I have learned that there truly is magic. If you don’t experience the earthquake you would never know how amazing magic can be.

Help!

I don’t know what to do. I am on a sinking ship and I need to get off. I can’t see land anywhere and the only life preserver has a big hole in it. That is my life.
Tonight I was informed that he wants the house and kids. He wants the life he thought he had. Everything he worked for is worth nothing. He was oblivious to all the problems and still is. We can’t have a conversation without arguing. We have nothing in common besides the kids.
The thing that scared me the most was when he said he wants to get a gun and show up at work because work was the cause of all the problems. He won’t do that because he won’t get to see the kids again. That’s the only reason?
I will be making some calls tomorrow morning to try to get him seen ASAP.

Trouble

Today I kissed the wolf. Though he is more like a bear. He is tall. Taller than anyone I have ever kissed before.
I finally got to touch his hair. I finally got to kiss his neck. I got to wrap my arms around him and rub his leg. I got to grab the butt I watch walk by every day and try to stand behind when we wait in line.
I felt high for hours. I want to feel high again.
I wanted to do so much more but it wasn’t the right time. I am glad he made the first move, even though I had lured him there. Now it is game on!

The night that didn’t happen

But it did. I met two work friends for happy hour. One brought her husband, which set me as a pair with the other guy. The couple left and we had one more drink.
We started to leave and talked in the parking lot for a while. Mainly about other work people. All of a sudden he says he wants to say something and I know exactly what it is. I told my friend a couple hours earlier that this was going to happen. I told him I enjoyed his company but just wanted to be friends.
We got into our cars and he motions for me to roll down my window. We had a quick conversation and he says to follow him. We end up in a parking lot behind some weird old houses that I had passed many times from the road on the other side. Three months ago I would never have guessed I would be catching a buzz in some guy’s car. It was surreal.

Just fine

I knew it. I knew that you would be gone before I even had you. I miss our talks. I miss our walks. I come outside and your car is already gone. You no longer sit on the wall and wait for me.
I knew that it wouldn’t last. I was hopeful but I knew it wasn’t right. It might be right later on but not right now.
It was fun and I learned a lot about myself. I know that I can do this. I am worth something and people truly like me. I will be just fine.

Attention to detail

I think about you. All. The. Time. I sit at my house wondering what you are doing at yours. I think about the things I want to say to you. I think about how I sat too close to you. How I pretended to accidentally bump your arm. How I am pretty sure you knew it was intentional because everything stopped. It felt like a movie. There was no sound. No one was moving. Just you and I sitting on the bench staring into each other’s eyes. Then just like that the second was gone and we both pretended that it didn’t happen. But it did and it makes me happy. You make me happy.
Every time I see you I tell myself to stay calm. Then my brain starts running a million miles an hour and tells me to smile like a goon, so I do.
I love your hair. I love your eyes. I love your full lips and the little crease on your chin. I love your billion tattoos. I love the way you look at me. I love your eagerness to talk to me. I know that post was for everyone to see but that you put it there for me to read.
I count the hours until I will see you again. I know you do the same because you told me yesterday in a round about way.
I need to muster up some self control. This cannot be healthy.

You have started to sit with me at lunch. You walk me to my door afterwards. You care. You may have a tough exterior but I knew there was something more. We share the same taste in music. We are both in cruddy relationships and truly care about our kids. 
We walked to the beach after work. We walked and we talked. I am trying to find faults in you but even the things you say, I don’t know if they are true or not because I have not seen them with my own eyes. If they are truly faults then that is why I am attracted to you. I should probably start running right now but I can’t. 
People come in and out of our lives all of the time. There are reasons for those people. I feel that if something comes of this or not that I would still care about you and want good things for you. Maybe that makes me naive. I think it makes me hopeful.
Better things are yet to come. Along with phallic looking cookies. I’be been drinking and you are welcome.

You have started to sit with me at lunch. You walk me to my door afterwards. You care. You may have a tough exterior but I knew there was something more. We share the same taste in music. We are both in cruddy relationships and truly care about our kids.
We walked to the beach after work. We walked and we talked. I am trying to find faults in you but even the things you say, I don’t know if they are true or not because I have not seen them with my own eyes. If they are truly faults then that is why I am attracted to you. I should probably start running right now but I can’t.
People come in and out of our lives all of the time. There are reasons for those people. I feel that if something comes of this or not that I would still care about you and want good things for you. Maybe that makes me naive. I think it makes me hopeful.
Better things are yet to come. Along with phallic looking cookies. I’be been drinking and you are welcome.

Vampires with red hair

Today I shook your hand. You asked my name, even though I am pretty sure you already knew. Your grip was strong enough to have broken my fingers. Your hands were really cold but surprisingly soft. As we talked you told me you don’t sleep well at night.
The more I learn about you, the more it backs up my vampire theory.

Love never fails

There is a quote in the Bible that says love never fails. I know for a fact that loves fails. Love is the devil. It makes you do crazy things. Love can hurt with deafening blows. Don’t trust it.
When love fails it just doesn’t work anymore. It just runs out. You can remember when it was there but you can’t find it anymore.
Love can definitely fail. Love can be one sided. Love cannot be half hearted. It is all or nothing. Love is like a lion. It will attack you when you are not expecting it. It will tear you up and leave you to die.
Love is cruel.