Four weeks ago, we were leaned up against a wall and he asked, What do I have to do to make you love me? In my head I wanted to yell, I already do, but the words can’t make it to my tongue and my fingers lock up.
I think about him in everything. I look for him all the time. Even when I know he won’t be there.
Today I am trying hard to forget.
I want to forget how you would look into my eyes and whisper “you’re so beautiful” as you would push my hair back before kissing me.
I want to forget the face you would make when I touched you somewhere new.
I want to forget the way you would look at me when you would sit across from me on the wall.
I want to forget you rolling your window down on the highway and screaming “I love you” at me.
I want to forget all the messages of “good morning beautiful”and the random “I miss you” or little kiss icons.
I want to forget how we would go to walk away and you would grab my hand and pull me back to you.
There are 100 other things that make me wild about you. There is something you said yesterday that I have been thinking about. You surely have a way with words. This time it was not a loving endearment, it was a truly thought provoking statement. You looked at me and said “You can’t really be happy with someone, if you are not really happy with yourself.” I was not sure how to take that. I didn’t know if you were talking about me or you or both of us. It just keeps replaying in my head.
Am I happy with myself? Are there things that I would want to change? I did lose myself for a while. I am slowly finding myself again. What would make me really happy with ME?
I shouldn’t need someone to say good morning, beautiful. I should be able to say it to myself. Though, one day it would be nice to have someone who reminds me every now and then that they think I am beautiful as well. Someone who is happy with who they are, and we can be happy together.